When something feels painful or uncertain, we all have our ways of coping. Some people withdraw. Others try to fix, explain, or take charge. These moves aren’t random; they’re learned. They come from the part of us that once needed to stay safe.
We carry two main patterns inside, the parts that protect and the parts that connect.
The protective part learned early how to survive disappointment, conflict, or fear. It might shut down, defend, or push through. The connecting part, the wiser, relational self, knows how to stay open even when things feel hard.
Most of our struggles in love come from the tension between these two. The protector steps in too quickly, and the connector never gets the chance to lead.
In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we call that protective side the adaptive child, the version of you that formed years ago to handle hurt. It still believes that safety depends on control, perfection, or distance. But you also have a wise adult inside, grounded, accountable, capable of empathy and repair. The work isn’t to erase the adaptive child, but to recognize when it’s driving and invite the adult back to the wheel.
You can notice the shift in small moments. When your partner criticizes you and you feel your chest tighten, that’s the adaptive child gearing up to defend. When you pause, breathe, and say, “That stung, but I want to understand what you mean,” that’s the wise adult stepping forward.
We all have younger parts that once protected us. They don’t need to disappear; they need leadership. Healing begins the moment we thank those parts for keeping us safe and remind them we’re safe enough now to connect instead of defend.
Closing line
Real growth isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about remembering the part of you that already knows how to love.