Old patterns don’t appear out of nowhere. They’re echoes of the past, strategies that once helped us survive. When stress or conflict hits, those patterns take over before we even realize it.
In Relational Life Therapy, we call this the adaptive child, the part of us that learned early how to get love, avoid pain, or stay safe. For some, that means controlling or fixing. For others, it’s retreating or pleasing. The problem isn’t that the adaptive child shows up. The problem is that it still believes it’s running the same old playbook.
In adult relationships, those strategies can quietly sabotage closeness. A partner raises their voice, and suddenly you’re five years old again, trying to manage the room. You apologize too quickly or dig in too hard. You protect yourself instead of reaching out. The adaptive child means well. It’s trying to keep you safe, but it doesn’t realize you’re not that child anymore.
The wise adult knows how to stay grounded and relational. It can tolerate discomfort, hold accountability, and stay open even when things feel tense. The shift begins the moment you recognize which part is in charge. You pause. You breathe. You remember you have options now.
The adaptive child is strong but limited. The adult is steady and capable of repair. Learning to tell the difference is one of the most important forms of growth we ever do.
Closing line
We can’t erase the past, but we can stop letting it decide how we love today.