We live in a world that celebrates independence.We’re taught to “find ourselves,” “speak our truth,” and “stand our ground.”And while those things matter, they can sometimes come at a quiet cost — the loss of “us.”
In his book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, therapist Terry Real challenges one of our most common myths: that relationships are strongest when each person simply focuses on themselves.He reminds us that real love doesn’t live in isolation — it lives in connection, repair, and humility.
The Shift from “You and Me” to “Us”
In conflict, most of us naturally focus on what we need and what the other person did wrong.That “you vs. me” stance might feel protective, but it’s often what keeps couples — and families — locked in disconnection.
Terry suggests something radical: when tension rises, shift the question from
“How can I win this fight?”to“What does the relationship need right now?”
That small shift — from defending yourself to protecting the connection — changes everything.It turns arguments into opportunities to understand. It transforms silence into curiosity.It’s not about giving in; it’s about stepping into partnership, even when it’s hard.
The Art of Repair
Real relationships aren’t defined by how rarely we fight, but by how quickly we repair.That means owning our part, softening our tone, and showing willingness to reconnect — even when pride or hurt would rather keep us separate.
Repair doesn’t erase what happened, but it reaffirms something deeper:
“We’re on the same team, even when we’re not on the same page.”
That’s the power of Us — and it applies to every kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.Parents and children, siblings, friends, even coworkers — all can benefit from the courage to move from distance to reconnection.
Bringing “Us” Into Daily Life
You don’t need a therapy session to practice this.Try it in your next disagreement or tense moment:
Pause the automatic defense. Take a breath before responding.
Ask yourself: “What would help us right now?”
Lead with repair. Even a simple, “I care about you — let’s figure this out together” can change the tone completely.
This isn’t weakness; it’s strength.It takes real courage to put connection before ego.
A Thought to Take With You
When we protect the “us,” we protect what’s sacred between us — love, trust, and safety.Whether you’re in a partnership, a family, or a friendship, that’s where healing begins.
It’s not about perfect harmony. It’s about the willingness to turn toward each other again and again — until understanding grows stronger than pride.