I’ve always believed that habits are essential to a healthy life. Most of us do.Whether they’re the things we do, the thoughts we repeat, or the ways we see ourselves and others — habits shape our reality in ways we often overlook.
We’re really good at noticing our bad habits but rarely give much thought to how small, positive ones can reshape our lives — and our relationships.Many of us set results-oriented goals (“I want to lose weight,” “I want to communicate better,” “I want to feel less anxious”) that keep us stuck in old patterns.I used to do the same until I came across James Clear’s book Atomic Habits.
Why Change Feels So Hard
Clear’s central idea is simple but profound: most people struggle to change because they focus too much on the outcome rather than the process. Much like Simon Sinek’s "Start with Why", Clear reminds us that real transformation begins with beliefs. With who we want to become, not just what we want to achieve.
When we focus on identity, on becoming the kind of person who shows up consistently, results eventually follow. But when we focus only on results, our motivation fades. We slip back into old patterns because, deep down, we still believe we’re the same person who failed before.
The Four Components of Every Habit
Clear breaks habits down into four components: cue, craving, response, and reward. Together, they form a loop that keeps us repeating behaviors - for better or worse.
To reshape that loop, he offers the Four Laws of Behavior Change:
Make it obvious
Make it attractive
Make it easy
Make it satisfying
At first glance, these sound like tools for building routines such as eating healthier, exercising more, getting organized. But the truth is, they apply just as powerfully to how we relate to the people we love.
The Habits of Connection
We all have habits of relating, the ways we communicate, respond, and protect ourselves in relationships. Over time, those habits can become rigid, driven by what Terry Real calls the five losing strategies, our adaptive parts trying to keep us safe and comfortable.
But relationships don’t grow through safety alone. They grow through vulnerability, empathy, and accountability (qualities our adaptive parts tend to resist).
When we challenge those old patterns and practice new relational habits with tools like the Feedback Wheel to share impact instead of blame, we start building connection that lasts.
Change in relationships, just like in life, doesn’t come from one big gesture. It comes from the small, consistent choices to show up differently every day.
Small Steps, Big Shifts
Atomic Habits reminds us that transformation is rarely dramatic, it’s cumulative. The same holds true in therapy, in marriage, in parenting, and in personal growth. If we keep showing up, stay curious, and stay committed to doing things a little differently, the results will come - slowly, quietly, and then all at once.
✨ Closing thought:
Change doesn’t start with willpower; it starts with awareness. And awareness, practiced daily, becomes the most powerful habit of all.