And yet, most of us have played it at some point. Sometimes for a moment. Sometimes for a season. Even those of us who sit with couples every day and talk about accountability and repair are not immune. The blame game is seductive because it feels justified. It gives us a clear villain and a clean story.
In Relational Life Therapy, we understand blame as a protective move. It is often driven by the adaptive child, the part of us that learned early on how to survive hurt by locating the problem outside ourselves. Blame shields us from vulnerability, shame, or grief, but it also keeps us stuck.
Blame pulls us away from growth. When we are focused on what someone else did wrong, we lose curiosity about our own patterns and choices. That doesn’t mean we deny harm. It means we stop seeing the full picture.
Blame also distorts reality. Living in a chronic state of blame narrows our thinking, heightens reactivity, and can disrupt sleep. The anger has to go somewhere, and it often spills onto people who never earned it. Left unchecked, blame isolates us.
Blame costs us freedom. It feels powerful, but it quietly gives our power away. When our inner world is controlled by resentment, we become reactive and stuck. The wise adult reclaims choice. Not by excusing harm, but by taking responsibility for how we carry it forward.
Blame may offer a quick hit of relief, but over time it drains us. Like sugar, it tastes good in the moment, then leaves us depleted.
Closing line
The moment we move from blame to responsibility, we don’t lose power. We recover it.